I hope that everyone reading this had a lovely holiday. I did, and I didn’t.

Since Christmas Eve was on a Sunday we got ready and went to church as normal. It was calming for my over-stimulated nervous system.

After that, my husband and son went home to get gifts to take to my mother’s house. My son had also made a homemade carrot cake and was making the icing to put on it right before taking it to Grandma’s. It was awesome!

I went with my daughter and son-in-law for a quick stop at Walmart. The newlyweds wanted matching pjs. We went on to my mother’s after that. I had told her that I’d come early to help her get things ready, but, as usual, she had everything done. My help wasn’t needed. My mother evidently thinks it is a sign of weakness to actually let anyone help her with anything. I’ve told her that letting people help her is not only a blessing for her, but also a blessing to those who are doing the helping. It feels good to help someone else. But I waste my words and my breath.

Christmas Eve at my mother has sadly turned into a much smaller group. While I have gained a son-in-law, we’ve lost my dad, my uncle, and a few other family members that came from time to time. The losses hang in the air around us even when they aren’t mentioned. My aunt isn’t the same person she used to be. She is very quiet and seems to live in a world of her own. Her brother lives with her. I don’t think she actually invited him, he just came after my uncle died and never left. Yes, he has his own place. I think he’s afraid to live alone. And my aunt is the type of person who isn’t involved in making decisions in her own life, she just lets things “happen” to her and she rolls numbly on.

Back to Christmas Eve, the uncle mentioned above is a lot to deal with. He has always been a little “different”. He is self-absorbed, starting to talk while other people are having conversations or watching something, totally oblivious to the rudeness of it all. And it’s constant. And loud. He also interrupts by playing music on his phone. Loudly. He whines and complains all the time. I promise you that he is part of the reason my aunt’s demeanor has changed so much.

My nerves were on edge by the time I got to my mother’s house because I have been conditioned over the years to prepare for stressful holidays. This year seemed worse for me. The house was hot, I dropped everything that I touched, my uncle was loud, my aunt was quiet, my mother was constantly trying to do everything for everyone instead of slowing down to actually enjoy the holiday.

It makes me sad that these are my memories, the things that I focus on. Maybe it’s an issue with me. But I just want calmness. We came home and went for a walk which succeeded in calming me.

The light at the end of the tunnel: Christmas Day.

All our kids stayed at our house on Christmas Eve. So I was awakened by my (25 year old) daughter telling me to wake up. Ahhhh, like the good ole days. ☺️ I did get up and helped my husband make breakfast. All 5 of us happily and peacefully ate around the table together. Bacon, eggs, biscuits, and gravy.

Then we opened presents. My son passed them out. As the baby, that became his job years ago. His sister learned that if she was patient he would do it because it was harder for him to contain his Christmas morning excitement! This year we took turns opening one present at a time so we could focus on each person and what they got. It was nice. Much calmer than tissue paper flying everywhere all at once. 😂

After presents we all sat around and relaxed for a while. Then we made a spiral ham, potatoes and gravy, green beans, rolls, and macaroni and cheese for lunch. For dessert we had a key lime pie, chocolate cream pie, and more of the homemade carrot cake. Yum.

That afternoon we all spread out on the sectional downstairs and watched movies. My daughter and her husband left around 6:00 p.m. Another Christmas day was in the books and this was one of the best yet.

This was not at all what I expected from this post, but if you stayed with it this long, thank you. I shared the good, the bad, and the ugly. And even though I’ve also been conditioned to feel guilt for most everything, I’m trying not to feel guilty for writing this. It was the truth and it was cathartic getting it all out. (Oh, and my mother has called twice. Both times she stated how wonderful Christmas eve was and that we should get together for more family events. 😳 I’m not sure if she was trying to convince me or herself.)

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