In the great scheme of things I know I’m not in control. That’s probably a very good thing. What makes me nervous is my lack of control, or willpower if you will, in certain situations. You know, things in my daily life that I can control.

I will get all fired up about a new goal and be determined to succeed. Then something will come along to distract me from my ultimate goal. Suddenly THAT becomes my focus and I’m fighting myself to stay on track. Then I’ll have a slip-up. But when I fall off the wagon I fall hard.

The guilt sets in then. Guilt, my old nemesis. I was raised on guilt and I hate that! I know it has its purpose in life and it can be a very beneficial thing, but not the way it was used on me. So I feel angry anytime I start to feel guilty. I resent that feeling. I relate it to failure. When I feel like I’ve failed at a goal I don’t really have the desire to try again.

So I lick my wounds for a while until I’m ready to start over. Sometimes I succeed at whatever the goal was, but other times I have to revisit that challenge and start all over. I guess what makes me most nervous is that I’ll keep struggling with the same issues over and over. What a waste of a life.

So there’s a little insight into the inner workings of my psyche. Scary, huh?

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